


You Can't Love Me Now

by StoneWitch



Series: Requests [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Fluff, Helplessness, Inner Demons, Mood Swings, Paralyzed, paraplegic, proposal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 08:45:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17557127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StoneWitch/pseuds/StoneWitch
Summary: An AU where Petra survived but was paralyzed in her fight with the female titanRequested from my tumblr (Clo-Caillea)





	You Can't Love Me Now

**Author's Note:**

> This story completely took on a life of its own.  
> Which is great because I had the tiniest inkling of a plan in mind.  
> Also, please be aware of quality: I didn't have this edited or proofread.

“L-L-Levi?” Petra’s voice was so small she half expected he wouldn’t hear her.

He dropped down next to her, though and she strained her neck so she could turn to see him. His grey eyes were almost black, looking sunken and drained.

“I can’t move,” she admitted softly, those three words dragging across her throat like razors on their way out.

Her hands were trembling against the trunk of the tree when she once again tried to push herself to her knees. But nothing responded below her waist. She could feel that there was still solid weight yet it was motionless and her mind couldn’t get messages down that far anymore.

Levi knelt down beside her, sheathing one of his swords before placing a hand on her shoulder. The warmth of his palm was a relished sanctuary in her black stained terror, letting her nerves settle for the space of a shuttering inhale.

“I can’t use my gear,” she whispered, frightened of what that meant. “I can’t feel my legs, Levi!”

A sob snuck away from her before she could catch it and she was ashamed of it.

“Hush,” came his abnormally soft rebuke.

He took out the sheathed sword again and with the trigger tight in his fist, he brushed his knuckles across her shoulder blades until his arm was wrapped around her. His soft black hair tickled her face as he leaned down.

“Can you still move your arms?” he asked in that silken tone of his that was somehow both soft and bland at the same time.

She nodded.

“Alright, then put your arms around my neck.”

She could do that.

As she obeyed, he put his other arm around her abdomen. It could have been a passionate embrace, which almost made her laugh. It only took near death and being paralyzed for them to become so close.

Maybe later when they made it out of this place, she could make a joke about it.

Levi hoisted her up in his arms, his fists digging into her back as he raised his blades and hit the triggers.

They rose into the air, the pull drawing them closer together. Petra hid her face in the curve of his neck as a cringe overtook it. This wasn’t how it should have happened. Her heart started to twist and pound behind her ribs, demanding the release of warm tears stinging the corners of her eyes. She couldn’t let them go, though. She just couldn’t.

Even with her future at Levi’s side shattered at her waist, she had to keep the calm he sought after in his team.

Levi placed her high up on a branch in the tall trees, leaning her against the trunk. He remained unreadable and silent, looking down on her with a face of stone.

His knuckles brushed her cheek, the touch feather light and drawing along the path of her defiant tears.

“Everyone is already retreating; I can’t signal for anyone to get you out of here. I have to find Eren and then I’ll come back for you,” he whispered in a cool tone, forcing a surprised ball of emotion into the base of her throat.

She nodded, biting her lip while she furiously blinked away her tears.

“He trusted in us… But we failed him. And he had to transform.” Her tone was forlorn and far away.

“No one can ever predict how it will turn out, don’t forget that.”

He left her then.

Once again, she was trapped immobile in the forest’s haunted stillness.

And as she listened to his anchors taking him farther into the forest, her chin trembled. She caught her sobs in her hands, ashamed of them as if they were vomit from the pit of her stomach.

 

She must have dozed off.

All she saw was a blur of green as her eyes sluggishly opened. Her vision caught something red and for a moment, she thought she might be sick to her stomach. A soldier was walking across the huge branch towards her and their throat was gushing blood.

But the fog lifted slowly as they neared and when clarity finally settled into her vision, she realized the red was a scarf. She recognized the women then, one of Eren’s close friends.

Mikasa was kneeling down facing away with her arms held back towards the blonde.

“Give me your hands,” she instructed on a familiar, monotonous tone.

Petra reached forward as instructed, grasping the girl’s hands in hers. They were led upwards so her arms were hooked over Mikasa’s shoulders and as she then reached back to hook her arms beneath Petra’s immobile legs, she whispered another command.

“Hold onto me.”

She looked up as her legs were pulled around Mikasa’s waist, locking eyes with her captain a few paces away. He had an unconscious Eren tucked up under his arm. How he could hold an entire person _who stood taller than him_ one handed was beyond her. It wasn’t surprising in the least, though.

His jaw was set hard and his gaze was one that she couldn’t read. It could have been angry, but it could have also been disappointed. Perhaps it was both. She hated it nonetheless and cast her gaze down to the black hair in front of her.

Petra felt like a petulant child beneath that stare as they took to the air again.

 

Hanji made the loudest fuss when she found out about Petra’s condition. The scientist had her room switched with another cadet so that she was next door to her and could be watched closely. Hanji made promises to develop something that could bring back her mobility. In the mean time she had all her meals delivered to her and the cadets were set on shift work to sit with her all hours of the day.

She hated all of it.

Never before had the gentle blonde every known the kind of anger she was used to seeing in her captain. _Not yours anymore, though. His soldiers all died in the forest._ If she let the self pity take hold, it would whisper at her and jab her with sharp claws as it laughed. _The Petra that he knew before is still trapped against that tree with her chin pressed against it. She didn’t come back when you did. No. You’re just an imposter with no legs who has no use anymore to humanity. You’re garbage. Garbage. Garbage. Garbage._

She didn’t weep. Nor did she lash out.

She let the cadets read to her and chat with her, enjoying most when Armin was on duty because he would talk with her about anything. The others avoided many topics: the state of her immobile legs, the politics that were baring down on the scouts, the ongoing missions inside the walls as things became more and more dangerous. He didn’t hide anything from her, nor did he dance around the elephant in the room. He understood.

Petra hadn’t been visited by Levi since they’d returned and she tried not to notice the absence. The demon in her head would smirk each time she thought about him. She didn’t want to let it have the fire power. It could destroy her entirely if it got ahold of the man she was finally willing to admit that she loved.

How long had it been that she’d devoted her life to him, and yet she always pushed away the romantic side of it, telling herself it was wrong and he was her superior and it was going to get her priorities up in knots. It had worked as long as she was on his team.

But everyone was dead.

And she was unfit for his side now.

 

Traitorous fluid leaked down her cheeks and silence abruptly filled the room.

She looked up at the girl sitting next to her, taking in the stricken expression on her face.

“Di-did I say something wrong?” the girl asked as she stood up and came closer to the bed. “Are you okay?”

Petra nodded, wiping away the tears with rapid movements and casting the cadet a soft smile. “I’m alright, I was just thinking of a friend I’ve lost. Could you go get me some tea?” she prompted, wanting to be left alone while her resolve started to splinter.

“Are you sure I should leave you alone?” the other queried carefully, looking genuinely worried.

“Yes, I’m alright. Thank you. Please, I’d feel better with something hot in my hands.”

That was all the prompting needed and the girl all but ran from the room. She wouldn’t be alone for long, she knew.

But something important was cracking open inside her chest and it welled up and up, missing her mouth and rising into her eyes. Rivers dripped down her cheeks and she raised her wrist to wipe at them. She felt her face shift into an ugly grimace, but no sound would leave her throat as she silently cried, her mouth falling open in soundless sobs. Her chest was bucking with the shattered pieces of this rage and agony, caving in and yet she couldn’t utter a sound. She just cried in perfect silence as her body broke its bones with the sounds they swallowed up.

The sound of the door opening sobered her in an instant and she hastily wiped at her tears, shoving down all the shards of bone and glass into her belly and drawing her face back to a welcoming smile.

Her heart stopped.

Levi stepped into the room, holding two mugs in that strange way of his, from the top edges. He closed the door with his boot. His face was a bored mask. Like usual.

He said nothing. Just sat in the chair beside her bed and handed her one of the cups.

“Th-thank you,” she cursed the tremble in her voice.

His reply was an acknowledging hum before he took a sip from his cup.

The silence swelled between them. It was a tangible presence that was suffocating her while she drank her tea. She tried not to stare at him, turning her eyes away after she’d looked for too long and glancing around the room. Her gaze always managed to find itself returning to his face, though.

His steel grey eyes were unfocused, pointedly staring at the bed, but obviously far away in thought.

He didn’t look up at her when he finally spoke. “Hanji says she’s almost finished a few projects she wants you to try out. She thinks she can make you walk again. And if not, she’ll get you mobile at least.”

It was her turn to reply with no more than a hum. That’d be nice. Moving around.

She didn’t want to hope, though.

Hope died when her legs took her from Levi’s side.

Look away. That thought started a rush inside her about him sitting there beside her.

Sip the tea.

Look at the door.

His hands were lovely. She wondered how they’d feel cupping her cheeks. Uh oh.

Sip the tea.

Look out the window.

“You’re father spoke to me when we returned to Calaneth.”

Sip the tea.

Hum.

Don’t look at his lips while he takes another sip. Don’t think about them pressed against hers. Nope. Not going down that road. Can’t.

_Garbage, garbage, garbage._

Look at the floor.

“He came to tell me about you writing home when I chose you for my squad. Told me about your devotion to serve under me and fight at my side for the sake of humanity.”

 _I promised my life into your hands when I joined. Promised that I’d fight until we won, or I died. I failed you. I’m a liar_.

Tears were welling up again, but she denied them. Blinked them away.

Sip the tea.

Her hand was shaking.

She closed her eyes.

“He started talking about marriage.”

Well shit. Her hands tensed around her cup.

“Tch, it’s like he figured if I’m going to have you in a position to die for me, I’ve ruined you for another man or something. That’s how I took it at least.”

His voice showed no indication of his opinion on what he was saying. It was as bland as ever.

She didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know what he wanted her to say. The scouts wasn’t a place for marriage. It was a place for death. She’d always known that. And maybe that was why she pushed her infatuation away for the sake of duty. Even when she entertained the thought of her feelings running deeper than her devotion as a soldier, she wasn’t naive enough to consider marriage an option.

“Under other circumstance, I’d end this by saying that was an annoying interaction,” Levi growled out, flames suddenly crackling in his voice and drawing her surprised gaze back to the glare on his face. “But with you in one of the carriages behind me, paralyzed and _lucky to fucking be alive_ …” he closed his eyes. Breathed out long and slow. “I didn’t blame him for it. All I could think of was if you hadn’t made it. If you were one of the dead stacked up instead while I listened to your dad telling me about taking your hand. Imagining how I would have had to write a letter to this same man when I got back to my safe fucking office. And tell him that his daughter died in the line of duty and I was too fucking _scared_ to man up and say it to his fucking face.”

The volume of his voice was controlled, but as the anger grated out into his words, she realized he may as well have been shouting them.

His eyes locked with hers so fast, she flinched like she’d been burned. “I still had to write to him. I still had to tell him what’s happened to you because of my shit leadership. And all I could do was sit there wondering how it would feel if you were dead too.”

Her mouth dropped open, whether to retort or simply as a surprised reaction, she wasn’t sure.

But he slammed his tea cup down onto the table next to him, the gesture so violent that she was surprised it hadn’t shattered the glass. He flew off the chair in the next instant, his hands landing on either side of her head, pressed into the pillows and his face was barely a centimetre from hers. Heat radiated off him in waves that threatened to swallow her.

“So now you have a choice to make,” he whispered, his voice lethal like a whip. “Because you are either going to go home to your father before I can screw this up any further. Or you’re going to stay. In which case, you acknowledge in doing so that I have to do this _right_.”

His flames erupted inside her chest too as she stared at him in awe and disbelief. She didn’t want to leave. But…

“You can’t marry me.” she blurted out.

He only narrowed his eyes into slits, growling out, “and why the hell not?”

She mirrored his look and tossed just as much fire back at him when she hissed, “you don’t love me. You just feel guilty.”

“Bullshit! You think I’d be _this_ pissed off if I didn’t?”

Petra gaped, at a loss for words as her heart rate sped up. _Did he just…_

As if in response to her disbelief, he moved forward and stole the softest of kisses from her stunned lips. The gentleness of his mouth on hers was a surprising contrast to the man’s anger and when he pulled away again, she finally saw the pain in his eyes. The coals under the flames. His heart laid out in the stormcloud irises above her, showing her the burns as it beat wildly in the fires.

“Levi?” she didn’t even know what she wanted to say, this couldn’t possibly be happening.

Tears welled at the corners of her eyes again.

He was frowning at her, his face serious. Only that gaze of his revealing the mess of emotions inside him.

“You can’t bind yourself to someone who can’t fight beside you,” she found herself admitting, despite every fibre of her body squealing _yes_! Her chin trembled and she continued, “You deserve a warrior. Someone who would be your sword and shield out there. Not… this.”

His hand slipped up her cheek, the touch so soft that his calluses made a stark contrast to the intent. The warmth of his palm seemed to slip across her entire face. _So, that’s how that feels then_ she mused.

“You are a smart woman, Petra,” he praised softly, drawing an air of suspicion from her. “But right now, you’re fucking stupid.”

She looked away from him, biting the inside of her cheek to avoid responding to the jab the way she _knew_ he wanted her to.

He continued instead, “you’re like this because you already were my sword and shield. And I love you with or without mobility.”

The tears poured as she turned back to him, her heart aching at the softness that had taken over his eyes. She wrapped her arms around his neck and dragged him down into a passionate kiss that ate up the sob sneaking from her throat. He groaned in approval and buried his hand into her hair, pressing his mouth on hers with an insistence that _dared her_ to doubt his feelings again.

He pulled back, nipping at her nose as he did before disentangling himself from her arms.

Levi knelt down.

Her heart stuttered.

“I haven’t gotten you a ring,” he whispered softly, though there was no sign of remorse at that fact in his eye. In fact, he had a spark of mischief there. “But if you will continue to devote your life to me, then mine will be yours in return.”

He bowed his head and pulled something out from behind him, offering it up in his hands like she was a queen receiving her crown.

And there across his palms was a small dagger, the handle a deep forest green wood with the wings of freedom carved into it where the symbol would sit perfectly in her palm when she held it.

And somehow, she wasn’t the least bit surprised.

“Levi, it’s always been yours,” she declared softly, taking the dagger and welcoming him back into her arms.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know, I just decided that Levi wouldn't be a rings type of guy.  
> Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that the most meaningful gift I could ever personally receive would be a pretty dagger.  
> I meant to end this with something hot and steamy....  
> But then this happened and I just loved it too much to want to continue.  
> Like when you get a nice cake and you don't want to eat it cause it's so beautiful?  
> Idk.


End file.
